Throughout our lives we all want to set and reach our goals. It seems simple, set a goal and then reach it. But it’s rarely so easy! We often can get bogged down by others or social media, and become confused about what we really want. Some other things that get in the way include setting too many goals or not being consistent. But another thing that really makes achieving goals difficult? Shame. What is shame? Why and how does it get in the way? You’ll learn all that and more in this post.
Understanding shame and its impact
Brene Brown defines shame and how it differs from guilt as: intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection. Shame is an insecurity that attaches to self-identity and gets in the way of action or vulnerability. It causes people to believe that they’re unworthy or unloveable. Guilt is feeling like you made a mistake versus shame is feeling like you are the mistake. It also stems from struggling with perfectionism and people-pleasing.
Shame usually develops from experiences that you were told or interpreted and think to yourself “something is wrong with me”
As children, we look to our caregivers for guidance and reassurance. We see them as an extension of ourselves. So when our parents are neglectful or are overly critical, we internalize these messages. Rather than feeling secure, we then feel anxious and uncertain. We are supposed to be able to look to our parents to affirm our feelings of safety and if they can’t provide that emotional safety, then we do not have that blueprint for the rest of our lives and spend our time searching for it in other people.
What does this have to do with shame? When we try to do something new, or set goals, if we do not succeed we may assign some meanings
Some common shame thoughts
Rather than thinking:
“It’s ok, I’ll just try again”
People struggling with self-esteem may think:
“I’m a huge failure”
Even the nervous system is impacted by shame:
When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it were facing physical danger, and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze/fawn response. This may look like:
- Fight: Becoming upset and angry towards others or yourself when you feel like you’re not achieving your goals
- Flight: We may retreat or avoid situations that trigger our fear of failure, like avoiding going for a new career or quitting rather than facing discomfort of not succeeding
- Freeze: Response is what normally occurs when people are faced with trauma where they feel trapped and powerless and may look like clamming up and being stuck in procrastination mode
- Fawn: Overly pleasing others rather than being true to yourself and achieving goals for yourself
Identifying shame in your life
You may be asking yourself questions such as:
“Who am I to achieve such a thing?”
“I don’t deserve to show my feelings and share my mishaps.”
“What will others think of me?”
These doubts can be powerful roadblocks, making you question your worth and ability to take up space in your own life. But before you accept these thoughts as truth, pause for a moment and ask yourself:
- What specific fears are coming up for me right now?
- Where did I first learn to think this way about myself?
- Whose critical voice am I actually hearing? Is it mine, or is it a lingering echo from my past—perhaps from a parent, a teacher, an old boss, or even societal expectations?
More often than not, these negative thoughts don’t originate from you. They are borrowed from someone else—an external judgment that you internalized over time. Recognizing this is a crucial step in reclaiming your own voice. Instead of letting these doubts define you, challenge them. Ask yourself:
“What if…
I’m more capable than I give myself credit for?
I am deserving of expressing my thoughts, emotions, and ambitions?
instead of fearing what others think, I focus on how I want to feel about myself?
The more you practice questioning and reframing these thoughts, the more you begin to quiet your mind chatter and become a more self-assured and confident version of yourself!
How to overcome shame and reach your goals
What does this look like in practice?
Roadblocks to reaching your goals:
- Deficit mindset:
Focusing on everything you HAVEN’T done versus what you HAVE done. Try focusing on what you have achieved and celebrate your wins! - All or nothing thinking: Feeling like you have to keep achieving endlessly and nothing is ever good enough or if you mess up once you’re a total failure. Check in with your thoughts when you mess up or worry about messing up and engage in some thought distancing exercises such as this words in the sand exercise
- Catastrophizing: if you make once mistake you may worry and think “I will never be successful.” Try to have more balanced thoughts to lessen the anxiety
- Perfectionism: Feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough. Make sure you aren’t holding yourself to impossible standards. Choose to see the good in what you do!
The how-to for achieving your goals!
- Consistency over perfection: If you are feeling tired and go to the gym and work out for 5 minutes, congratulations, you worked out more than if you would have stayed home. IF you want to keep going, then go ahead. I guarantee -unless you are actually sick or injured in which case PLEASE rest and take care of yourself- you will probably stay for a longer workout. Do not count the days you haven’t done ‘the thing’
- Not being overly rigid and specific:
While setting clear goals is important, being too rigid can set you up for frustration. Life is unpredictable, and when things don’t go exactly as planned, it’s easy to feel like you’ve failed. Instead of viewing your goals as strict, unchangeable rules, think of them as flexible guidelines.For example, instead of saying, “I must journal every single morning at 7 AM,” you can say, “I want to journal most mornings, but if I miss a day, that’s okay.” This approach allows you to stay committed while also adapting to life’s natural ebbs and flows. - Realistic + achievable goals:
Setting goals that are too ambitious can leave you feeling discouraged when you struggle to meet them. Instead of aiming for perfection, focus on progress. Choose goals that stretch you just enough to encourage growth but are still within reach. For instance, if you want to start exercising, rather than committing to an intense hour-long workout every day, begin with 15-minute sessions a few times a week. Small wins build momentum and confidence, making it more likely that you’ll stick with your goals long-term.
A good way to gauge if a goal is realistic is to ask:
Does this fit into my current lifestyle?
Do I have the time and energy to sustain this?
Is there a way to break this goal into smaller, manageable steps? - Being kind to yourself + resting:
Self-improvement isn’t about punishing yourself—it’s about growth and balance. Rest is just as productive as effort because it prevents burnout and allows you to recharge. If you’re constantly pushing without giving yourself grace, you’ll likely end up exhausted and unmotivated. When you fall short of a goal, practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism. Rather than thinking, “I failed; I’m never going to be good at this,” try, “Today didn’t go as planned, but I’m learning and trying my best.” Giving yourself permission to rest without guilt creates a healthier and more sustainable mindset for long-term progress. - Do not pick 100 things to work on at once:
It’s tempting to want to overhaul your entire life all at once—wake up at 5 AM, start meal prepping, exercise daily, meditate, read more, build a side hustle, and so on. But trying to juggle too many self-improvement goals at once is overwhelming and unsustainable.Instead, focus on one or two key areas at a time. Mastering one habit before introducing another increases your chances of success. Ask yourself: What’s the one change that will have the biggest impact on my well-being right now? Start there, and once it becomes second nature, gradually add new goals.By narrowing your focus, you’ll make meaningful progress without feeling scattered or burnt out.
If you find there are some deeper experiences leading to your shame, I can help you let go of your struggles with self-esteem with EMDR online or in person in St Paul, Minnesota! Reach out today!
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