What does it mean?
Do you often find that no matter what you just can’t be kind to yourself? Negative self-talk is one of the most common aspects of anxiety, depression, and general mental struggles. Maybe you are struggling with pressure at work or relationships, and with those struggling after traumatic events. It can happen to anyone, at any time, and can be difficult to know how to manage.
Negative self talk can be defined as any thoughts or views one has about themself that is detrimental to how they view their self worth. Negative self talk is critical, judgmental, or pessimistic based on one’s view of their actions .
Negative self talk can affect your mood, connections with others, and even your behavior. Negative self talk is an inner critic that seemingly narrates everything you do and even when things are going well, you wonder “when will things get bad again?”
Every time you mess up, do you wonder “Why can’t I do anything right?”
The goal of this article is to help you identify the root cause of negative self talk, when you’re engaging in it, and strategies for how to manage your inner critic.
What Is Negative Self-Talk, and Why Does It Happen?
Negative self talk can be defined as one’s inner dialogue or thoughts that tend to blame oneself, be self-depricating, or apply general blanket statements to oneself. Some examples of negative self talk can include:
- Generalization: applying one outcome to all situations
- Mind reading: Assuming we know what others are thinking i.e. “He probably thinks I’m a terrible employee”
- Cognitive fusion: Believing everything you think: “I’m such a needy person, no one will ever love me”
- Catastrophizing: “I’m never going to have a successful relationship!”
Often, the brain enjoys looking for patterns, and will use past experiences to ‘look for’ similar experiences. Left unchecked, we will see these negative patterns everywhere if we do not intentionally look for other evidence. See this link for more information about this phenomenon.
Past trauma can also influence having negative beliefs. People may experience neglect, abuse, or other traumatic experiences and internalize that something is wrong with them to have been subjected to such horrible experiences. Those beliefs then follow them throughout their lives. Some examples include:
- “I’m not good enough”
- “Something is wrong with me”
- “I don’t belong”
- “I have to be perfect”
Shame is also deeply connected with trauma and negative self talk and it can be difficult to be kind to yourself while healing.
How to Recognize Negative Self-Talk
First, you have to identify when you are engaging in self talk and identify what your personal triggers are for engaging in self talk. It takes time and effort to reframe negative self talk. Self reflecting on the origins of the prompting events can also help you identify in the future when the negative self talk arises.
Once you’ve identified that you are engaging in negative self talk, identify your emotions and validate them, and know the negative thoughts don’t have to be representative of the truth.
The Impact of Negative Self-Talk on Your Life
Negative self talk can have a huge impact on our lives. It can show up
- at work
- in relationships
- in friendships
- in our hobbies
- with family
People who feel ashamed about themselves may not pursue a new job or degree due to fear of failure. In relationships, this may look like fear of abandonment due to feeling not good enough. In regard to hobbies, we may beat ourselves up for not being ‘perfect’ and everything turns into a chore
If we aren’t careful, life will become a series of neverending goals and lack of self esteem.
How to Manage and Reframe Negative Self-Talk
The good news, is that there is something you can do to manage your negative self talk
1. Practice Mindfulness and Awareness
First, you have to identify when you are engaging in self talk and identify what your personal triggers are for engaging in self talk. It takes time and effort to reframe negative self talk. Self reflecting on the origins of the prompting events can also help you identify in the future when the negative self talk arises. As paradoxical as it sounds, pushing these thoughts away gives them more power and can increase anxiety, so it’s important to not let them have power over you.
Once you’ve identified that you are engaging in negative self talk, identify your emotions and validate them, and know the negative thoughts don’t have to be representative of the truth. A helpful tip can be remembering that you do not have to engage with every thought you have!
Some practical exercises for managing negative self talk can include:
- being a mindful observer of your thoughts and emotions
- distancing yourself from your thoughts
- Imagine your negative thoughts as passengers on a bus you’re driving. They can ride along, but you remain in control of where the bus goes.
2. Challenge Your Inner Critic:
The brain is a neuroplastic organ and prior experiences will create certain neural pathways; if you look for ways to confirm your fears (i.e. I stuttered while giving a presentation – I knew it- I’m so awkward!), then you will believe it and look for evidence for your fears to be true.
- Try ‘checking the facts’ allows for incorporating alternative viewpoints, which can be done by writing out ‘evidence for’ and ‘evidence against’ your negative thought, thus creating a more balanced viewpoint
- try the ‘best friend’ method: would you say hurtful things to your friend? Probably not! So why talk that way to yourself?
3. Be psychologically flexible!
Psychological flexibility can be defined as the ability to adapt to changing situations, stay present in the moment, and take actions that align with your values, even in the face of difficult thoughts or emotions. It’s about responding to life’s challenges in a way that promotes well-being and personal growth. Basically, this means to be unattached to outcomes! The more that we try to control our emotions, situations, and other people, the more unhappy we tend to become.
Three areas of psychological flexibility are:
- Exist – Exist in the present moment from a place of presence and creative self-awareness.
- Expand – Let emotions thoughts and feelings arise, accepting that our bodies are not fully under our control.
- Engage – Choose actions based upon what we really care about, not reacting or doing what is just familiar (like avoidance)
You can read more about these concepts here.
Some ways of practicing these can include:
- Recognizing Unhelpful Rules: Notice rigid rules or “shoulds” driving negative self-talk (e.g., “I should be perfect”) and challenge their usefulness.
- Choosing Responses: Practice pausing and choosing responses that align with your values instead of reacting impulsively to negative self-talk.
4. Focus on Self-Compassion
Ultimately, giving yourself a break is the most important part of managing negative self talk! It’s very easy to get down on ourselves, but typically this self sharming is not helpful. Shame is a huge factor in negative self-talk. Researcher and social worker Brene Brown defines Shame as:
“The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.”
This belief can allow simple mistakes to turn into enduring negative beliefs about our whole character.
Brene Brown defines the difference between guilt and shame as “I did something bad” vs “I am bad” so instead of believing you made a mistake or that someone is just having a bad day, you think “I can never do anything right, I’m such an idiot!” or “my boss has to be mad at me, I am such a bad employe”
It’s important to allow for other narratives in which you are not a terrible person who can never do anything right!
According to a study, people who practice more self-compassion are more likely to:
- Have better relationships
- Greater emotional awareness
- Better self acceptance
Self-compassion is also linked with an increased ability to respond to stress in a flexible and self-soothing way, Self-compassionate people are less likely to engage in harmful avoidance, rumination, and worry.
An exercise you can try to be more self compassionate is to notice the part of yourself that you are judging and imagine what that part of you is needing. Rather than judging yourself, ask yourself, “what am I needing in this moment?” and try to be there for that part of yourself that is simply needing someone to listen or care.
In conclusion…
Negative self-talk can feel overwhelming and deeply ingrained, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By understanding the root causes, recognizing harmful patterns, and applying strategies like mindfulness, psychological flexibility, and self-compassion, you can begin to quiet your inner critic and foster a kinder, more supportive relationship with yourself. Remember, self-growth takes time and practice, but every step you take toward challenging negative self-talk is a step toward greater self-esteem, emotional resilience, and overall well-being. You have the power to rewrite your inner narrative and embrace a more compassionate and empowered version of yourself.
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